Opinion – From Monolith to Man: When Sir Becomes Human

Posted on: March 8, 2015 at 6:01 am


As children we look up to those persons we are close to and who are charged with our care. For many of us it may have been our father, an uncle, an older brother, grandparents, a teacher, or even close family friends. For me, it was a counselor.

Russell was my protector and confidant. He was not only a provider of comfort and security but he seemed to have all the answers to the questions I posed. Through my eyes, he was perfect and infallible. To this young child, at the time, he seemed to have everything and could accomplish anything. Russell could never do any wrong.

He was the archetypal superhero; benevolent and possessing extraordinary talents. To my 11 year-old self, he was almost superhuman.

Some twenty-nine years later, our interactions are different. They feel different. Not because the essence of who we are has changed, but because our relationship has been shaped by our experiences and we share a history woven into the fabric of time itself. The power exchange has now shifted. He is no longer my superhero. He is no longer infallible nor is he that ‘perfect person’ with all the answers, but rather my mentor and a treasured friend that is fallible and imperfect.

I do not think that this story would be that unfamiliar to many of you. In fact, I would argue that it is a natural transitional process of any relationship, be those relationships with our caregivers, friends, lovers, or our Dominants.

This was especially true when first meeting my Sir. Here was a Dominant who had been involved in the BDSM and Leather communities for years.  I was in awe of the vastness of his experience and of his journey.  He was respected and looked up to by his peers, and all those whose lives he touched. He appeared to have it all, including all the answers to every one of my questions. He was a purveyor of desires and with ease he was able to orchestrate any fantasy into life. He was my superhero; selfless, infallible and bullet-proof. Always to the rescue of others and never in need of rescuing himself.

But just as it was the case with Russell, the dynamic between my Sir has, and continues to constantly evolve. My Sir and i have only been traversing our journey together for less than twelve months, but he is no longer my superhero, but rather my perfect Dominant. Perfect even in all of his imperfections.

With this realisation also comes the acceptance that as I place one foot in front of the other along my journey, and as the breadth of my experience within the Leather and BDSM communities grow, my perfect Dominant will not be able to offer me all the answers to all the questions I wish to know. My Sir, will not be the purveyor of all my fantasies. My Sir may not even be the complete and absolute ideal fantasy – real life never usually is.  But gentleman, you know what… that is okay.

So when the honeymoon was no longer, I had to begin asking myself whether it was a relationship I wanted or was I just chasing a fantasy. I decided that if the answer was yes to my latter question, it was time for me to move on.

Just as our relationships with our caregivers and friends change over the passage of time, so do our relationships with our Dominants. This is a positive change and reflects the trust that he has for you. A trust that is binding enough that it affords your Dominant the opportunity to let down his guard, just enough to show his weakness and to show his humanity.  Your Dominant understands that you no longer need him to be that consummate monolithic Dominant nor do you view him as an object of absolute fantasy.

When your Sir begins to reveal to you his humanity, it is a gift. It is a gift to respect and honour. Do not abuse it. As his submissive, when first commencing on our journey together, it was myself that extended to Sir a great deal of trust but it has always been returned. I would not still be here putting pen to paper about our relationship if he had not honoured the trust that I placed in him.

Relationships of every kind have their own trials and tribulations. Accepting the fact my Sir was human and not some superhero, monolithic top, is just yet another one of those hurdles, In fact, by trusting and cradling each other’s weakness you are cultivating a relationship that allows for growth and change.

Thank you Sir,

13.



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